Oh no I am so stupid, I ate the pudding with my little brother that my father said that we can`t eat. When my father gets up and sees that the pudding is not there, he will came and kill me and my brother.
I have an idea I can kill my self or go away from this place. But I love my family, I have to go downstair, get up my father and tell him that I ate the pudding so he can cook another before my mother arrives. But if he get angry and kill me. I don`t know what to do, if I have to go to tell my father that I ate the pudding or stay here under the bed and if my father asks me about the pudding I will tell him that I don`t know nothing.
Oh no I listen noices from the stairs, my father is coming to kill us. I think that I don`t have to be scare, is a good father.
This final version doesn´t seem much different from your 1st draft. The content is suitable and it´s quite original that you´ve included the boy´s idea to kill himself. Being just a kid, this exaggeration suits him.
ResponderEliminarDespite this, I think you have failed to transmit the tone of desperation this character needs. You haven´t written a single question or exclamation mark, and I believe this is one of the corrections I suggested.
There are a couple of mistakes you should have avoided ("to be scare" "is a good father" "he will came"). I think you can do much better than this.
Satisfactory -